I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
