They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
