I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
