: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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