I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
