Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
