Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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