What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
