The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
