I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
