Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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