I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
