Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
