At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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