She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
