I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
