My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
