I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
