So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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