i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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