U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I want to be your penis for a week.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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