I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
