OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
