we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
