I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
