new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
