Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
