shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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