we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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