last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
