I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
