Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
