i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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