Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
