she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
