i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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