I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
