a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
