My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
