I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
