i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My pussy is not your playground.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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