I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
