So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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