Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
