I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
