My balls are so social today.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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