Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
