god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
