he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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