I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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